Do you ever wonder why life seems so difficult to live? You wake up and look off into the forefront of your existence and hope you can tackle all that is in your day, and this happens even before you set one foot onto the ground.
You inhale slowly and exhale with ease. The irony is that most often we have so much pinned inside from recent nights and prior days, weeks before and months that past. Weight carried inside from years of pain which seem like several lifetimes. This pressure resides in small spaces which are strategically stored inside your head, card catalogued in perfect order.
Each day you arise finding strength to face your unknown. Echoes ring aloud, you dread the day ahead and fear having to glance into what tomorrow is to add to the list of issues that currently hold residence in your mind. Get right is the thought, as you look at your reflection in the mirror, eventually moving forward in a zombie like fashion with a smile, the same smile that gained compliment from the souls you would eventually tie into.
From work, school, bills, clubbing, streets, friends, relationship issues, politics, kids, family, social media likes and fails to include the acceptance we all chase, the influence from the outside and boxes we hide, you are physically, mentally, and spiritually worn. The wrongs and secrets are draining as it is truly a mission to simply awaken with a smile and move steadfast into the blessing which is your future called the day.
I found myself walking dead. Drained and broken, so engulfed with a woman that I allowed my mind to lose itself as we once were the picture of excellence, at least that is what I would often tell myself. It was a joy to remove myself from the covers and gallop into whatever life had to throw at me each morning because I thought my forever was there. I assumed I found the one thing we all long for. I fought my storms for what I believed was LOVE!
My sad reality is that it was never to be. The band aids I placed on my life were all eventually removed. I now sit in disgust at myself because I eventually gave up on me and most importantly, I still carried hate in my being and blame, as I gave up on God.
I am not the most knowledgeable speaker, nor do I claim to be as it pertains to the bible and what the word speaks as to be truth for our basic way of life. I do not have the ability to quote scripture and use my tone to throw verse’s sporadically at you like darts to make you believe.
I am you as you read, A SINNER. I am a Sinner who has Sinned. The difference is that while I sit in solitude, I understand that if you truly need to find peace in yourself the one common denominator will always have to be a steady relationship humbly with God.
I grew up in the church as it was a second home, my family tree was the church. Everyone sanctified and highly active in all aspects of servitude from pastors, trustees, choir directors, mothers board members, deacons, evangelistic servants, traveling speakers, choir members, musicians, writers of the word and so much more.
I understood what my religious beliefs were and who I was to the church growing up. I can relate to praise and prayer as scripted; and what part it is to play in our daily lives but the one thing I did not have until now is a daily back and forth on a personal level with God. I did not until now have a daily interaction with him just as I would anyone else in this world, I placed him in a box that said break only when needed.
I often confused my spiritual relationship with the need to be dressed in a suit and tie or holding the scripture to properly present myself. I confused it with the many nights the blue lights flashed behind me, and I was in immediate need, or I got some bad news and looked for a way out.
Honestly, I had so many dark secrets and lies that I amassed inside my head that I think I was simply too embarrassed to talk with him due my behavior, I mean you wouldn’t tell your parents your darkest moments in life so how on earth could you tell not only someone you have never met before but the supreme being himself your dirt and lies.
I forgot that God is all seeing and knowing. I forgot that before my mistakes were made, he knew my path and that the mistake was going to be made, the test was, would I come to him for guidance to resolve my issues. Would I ask him for support and more importantly forgiveness? Would I be able to bear down in my time of need and speak with him as freely as I spoke to the people alongside my life daily.
God as we know is extremely jealous and wants us to seek him for support and not the one is we so often confide in daily who usually carry their own crosses unexposed in life. I believe God wants us to call and not only when in need but daily and often.
Like I said, I am not a spiritual guru or bible thumper but do believe while I sit alone every day confused wondering what my life is for. I understand that even if it is not worth much in the public's eye after my numerous escapes with death and the adversities, I have been able to overcome even though I feel like I am less than a man and lost in society that God grants me favor.
So, I challenge you, I challenge you to take the time each day as you arise to find a minute to give to the creator. Before you reach for that phone looking to find yourself temporary satisfaction or before you head to the bathroom to sit and plot on the days mission before you turn the tv on and get yourself consumed with the noise of the world as hard as it may be.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE because daily I fight and try to be consistent. Breathe, now take a moment, and think about how far you have come and how far you might go if you and I only have the courage to give God his praise regardless of the current state of affairs as we sit, regardless of our current situation, regardless of our life's obstacles.
Think about it. We just might find the same things that are holding us back are the same things he placed in our way in hopes that we would simply remember who he was and love him as much as he loves us. I have been on the opposite end of a one-way love, a love where you feel you are giving and giving and never receiving.
If God sent Jesus to earth in human form so that he may understand in heaven what we feel as emotions, then I know firsthand what God felt from my lack of love towards him after all that he has done for me. Though this may seem small in text I hope your eyes translate the words into songs that dance in your thoughts after you have read and they then latched to your memory in hopes you understand he only wants to be loved, think about it, WHO DOESN’T. I am learning this the hard way and as much as it hurts, I believe that it is necessary for me to heal and move forward.
A simple unscripted prayer, regardless of sin, simply believe.
Thank You Jesus for all you have done and the lengths you have went to provide. Thank you for covering my past transgressions and sins for I can and always have a clean slate in your eyes, please help me heal from the past so that I may have a clear understanding of the future and know even though I am not perfect I will strive for perfection in hopes to one day be by your side, Amen.