Updated: May 1
Driving Towards Safe.
What forces you to find the inner strength to go on day in and day out when you are at your last in life.
Those times when you feel that you have zero left inside to give, not only to others but to yourself.
When you find yourself being drained by forces that are unseen and you have not the proper tools to combat the energy amongst you.
You find your CenterPoint is blurred by the light of your future.
Your question, you hope is answered at the end of the tunnel, or is it because the future is uncertain, so, you keep a positive attitude as the books you read say to do.
The reality is, it feels so indifferent.
Indifferent because you live in what is real and daydreams only seem to show their faces in the dark while you sleep as nightmares.
You listen to many who achieve forms of happy, a shame covers your spirit because you once felt their version of emotion.
In regression, you sit engulfed in a rollercoaster of feelings while forced to visualize the lack and current state of your affairs while they speak on their storms and the famed ends of rainbows you currently search for.
The happiness at the ends of tunnels that are ongoing in your path never appear.
No option to turn left or right.
You see the sign, last stop before tunnel, do you have enough gas, who knows, for you feel drained and have given years of your all, now your cups about dry.
You pray that you can make it.
Yesterday though bleak at best gave you hope so you push the limit and believe the other side is around the corner and you press on.
Inside of your thoughts, years of fear and uncertainty emerge so you brace yourself for the obstacles that may appear.
You enter the tunnel with pure intentions, you’ve traveled these roads before and the other side, well, we know all roads lead somewhere the problem is the road untraveled, where will it lead.
Blindfolded in the journey, confused at your ability to focus on your path daily you find your talents jumbled amongst each other without any of them fighting for separation, so discouragement is in the passenger seat.
Buckled in for the ride discouragement ensures they play the tunes of the life journey you traveled, loud and piercing are the melodies and basslines.
Song after song, your fails on repeat, stained with numerous faces is your memory.
These are the faces of old accomplices not friends for that word holds no weight in your vocabulary anymore as they have revealed their true intentions in being.
You stare in-between the agony and eventually the emotions overtake your soul as each word presses against your chest in an attempt to make you suffocate.
Who once was riding in silence alone is now alone, with others who seem to always find themselves around, not to support or uplift but to ensure that you know who you were and why they are.
Passenger side rear, Depression sits at attention as you gaze up in the rearview mirror and you wonder who invited you on this ride.
Depression always seems to have an invite when your emotional state is uneasy, and you are vulnerable.
It's a freeloader and likes to carpool without even caring the route or final destination.
Depression believes it’s helping to navigate life but it’s really sending you through a maze left to wonder who told you about this ride in the first place. Must've been those old so-called friends again i guess, WOW!
You look at the walls in the tunnel, dimly lit are the overhead lights concentrating on the road as the walls swish one by one like flashes from blank canvases and you start to see pictures, snapshots of places and faces.
Suttle memories of where you've come from, and depression is excited like it’s a trip down memory lane.
You try to refrain from arguing with your depression and find out they talk with others who are riding.
Anxiety and adjustment disorder find themselves seated in back as well discussing things about the day ahead and what's planned.
The rearview mirror is empty, and you feel the physical detachment from society the deeper that you ride into the darkness of the tunnel and yet your passengers are overwhelmingly excited, and all seem to be enjoying the trip into the past.
You tug at your waist to make sure your buckled in because anxiety keeps kicking the back of your seat like a child looking for attention when being ignored.
You fail to adjust in comfort so now the disorder in the vehicle is pushing you to panic wondering where it all went wrong.
Are you crazy, is this disability going to cause a 1-person accident, no traffic in a tunnel fatality of the sort?
You focus, think about it.
You streamlined your end goals; you had a life plan, you made bad decisions, and dealt with the consequence but the mission is not your own scripting it seems.
Is there something you’ve missed, is there a destination unknown.
You left all you knew to venture off into a world without a path and the baggage you do have is cumulative.
Reality is, you harbor emotions that seem to never allow you to release the troubles you try now to avoid and the ugly of life haunts you.
You set the cruise control and coast blindly into whatever is in store.
You hear the storm outside the tunnel loud and clear independent of the music your co passenger plays on repeat, the twist and turns of the tunnel are rapidly shifting, your GPS is enabled but dysfunctional because of your location inside of yourself.
The tunnel narrows and the lanes tighten, your fears are now along for the haul, what did you do to deserve this pain, why me, why now you think; inhale slowly and exhale with meaning, just breathe.
This is routine behavior, you slam on the brakes, and slowly regroup before shock remembering that you are deep inside the tunnel.
Now you find the energy to drive on.
You have no option but to move forward, you're in a tunnel and there’s no turning back at this point.
Day in and day out, lights on lights off knowing that ahead is uncertain but optimistic is your mindset because of the stories of hope you believe in.
There are so many moments throughout each day where I feel that I have zero left to give all while things are steadily being tossed at me.
After hours of driving up life’s hills, through all its valleys, the highways, over passes, city streets, and alleys it’s the tunnels that seem to push you the hardest.
Your passengers, still in tow but are now eerily silent, I reflect and see light.
Though it is vague in sight I do believe there is a chance this may soon be it, soon I will see opportunity to be free and alive once again to live out life without the tunnels of despair and moments of darkness.
My passengers finally removed and replaced once again with those who are support and the direction of my path guided so clearly that man-made tools are no longer needed to ensure I reach my final destination as GOD had the wheel the entire time.